Why I Left?
by annakas
Summary: Aragorn explains to a friend why he left Rivendell after he found out about his destiny. Little hints of Arwen and Aragorn. My very first fic so be nice.


A/N: This is my very first fic. It sucks. It is from Aragorn's point of view soon after he learned about his destiny. It is a little hard on him. He can not accept it, so his emotions are raw and not the wisest at the moment. I am sure there are a lot of spelling mistakes and canon fact mistakes.

Why I Left?

by

annakas

Do you want to know why I really left Imladris, the hidden city of the elves, Rivendell called by humans, sanctuary for weary and wounded, my childhood home?

Do you know they call it the Last Homely House in Arda? Yes? It is good that you know, it saves me some explaining. Lets just say Rivendell lost its homeliness for me. It never was my home and I was fool to believe and hope it ever was. No pun intended.

Hope/Estel my childhood name. It was used in my time in Imladris. I hate this name now. Estel the hope of humans. Lies, lies, so many ugly lies surrounded it. They said it was to protect me. But lies are lies and nothing, absolutely nothing changes that. And all the pain it gives me when I remember my old name and false home. I can't even call Rivendell home again without feeling betrayed. Oh how naive I was to believe that I, a mere human, can call this fair elven city home and its inhabitants my family. My life was a lie- all of it. You don't understand, I can see it from your face. Do not worry I will explain it to you.

Don't get me wrong I had a nice childhood. I was fed with delicious foods and juices, clothed in finest fabrics and schooled in wayś and arts that even the richest of humans can't dream of. Lord Elrond himself gave me lessons on healing arts and history. Damn the elf-man is history and one of the best healers in arda. My brothers- no, his twin sons Elladan and Elrohir taught me the ways of the forest, tracking hunting and fighting. And of course I may not forget Glorfindel the Balrog slayer or Gandalf the grey. Even they taught me sometimes when they had the time or patience for a noisy little human child.

I had a nice warm childhood in Rivendell. Who wouldn't. You just have to look on the place and you will fall in love with it. The gardens are full of flowers, in all colours, trees and plants from different places in Middle-Earth, fountains and water falls that made the prettiest of rainbows. Rivendell is a piece from the Undieing Lands fom Aman. It is a perfect place to grow up. And oh how I hate and love it now in the same time. It hurts. Oh my gods how badly it hurts to think of these times, I won't even mention the pain talking gives me.

Why are you looking at me like that? I have tears in my eyes? Funny I didn't even notice them. Thought I had cried all of them allready about this. Do not worry my friend I can continue and I will tell you why I left and choose all I promised you this and I always keep my promises.

Anyway I was raised in Imladris by elves in elven customs. I had my human mother there, may she rest in peace, my stepfather Elrond and foster brothers Elladan and Elrohir. Often I felt lonely because of the age differences and because I was the only child in there, human to top it. No no no! Do not worry no one was hostile against me. And those elves who didn´t like me ignored me completely. Like I was made of air they just didn´t see me when I was in the same room with them. Of course it hurt I didn't understand why they disliked me so, I was just a child after all and my heritage was a secret kept from me.

It was not that bad when I was younger. Nine or ten years old. My mother or the twins played with me. It is easy to make a child of this age happy and content. But the older I got the more I felt it. This chasm I did not understand it but I felt it strongly and I couldn't overcome it with my brothers and father. I needed someone young or someone human. Do not take this the wrong way I love elves, heck I am in love with an elf and I am intending to marry one, but I needed someone who thought that everything that was new to me was new to them too. Or with the same physical strengths and looks so I wouldn't feel clumsy, very noisy or ugly compared to elves. It was disturbing. I always felt so damn weak and ugly. Elves they are perfect in looks. So fair and beautiful, like diamonds or stars. Yes stars! That's it! I was surrounded with stars, so bright and blinding. It hurt to look at them and to know that I never would be worthy enough to walk among them. Me an ugly human child. What was I ever thinking? I will be never worthy enough. And the strength they have. Oh this incredible in-human strength. What was heavy lifting to me was feather light to them. It hurt so much to be weak all the time.

I hated how my family looked after me like hawks. All the time someone had to be with me so I wouldn't do something wrong or that nothing would happen to me. So to get some peace I started to spend a lot of time in the library, reading and learning. My faith... no Lord Elrond loved it. I was lonely but I felt loved. I had a great family. Yeah sure who am I kidding. They all lied to me, even my own mother.

No one absolutely no one ever mentioned my real father. Only thing I knew was that he was dead. I even didn't know his name for gods sake. That hurt because I did not understand why would they do something like that.

I am not exactly sure when the thought occurred me, but it started to eat my soul. What if my father did something so terribly bad that they felt ashamed to speak of him. Maybe he raped my mother and I was born from hate and malice, or maybe I was born out of wedlock and I am a bastard child.

Now I myself feel ashamed that I thought something so evil of my real father, but these thoughts were there in the back of my mind all the time.

But back to the story. I really loved my foster family but I know they never loved my back so strongly. I am only a human after all. The older I got the more I noticed that my so called brothers had this sad look in them every time they spoke to me. I couldn't place it a long long time but now I know what it is. It was guilt, simple as that, they felt guilty. I will tell you about this a little bit later. I know they loved me but it did not stop them from lying to me.

And my faith... Lord Elrond he taught me everything I needed to know. He gave me a place to live. He was a little distant but still I loved him with all my heart. The heart of a child. Oh I know he loves me he always told it to me. But still he lied to me. How could he?!?

And my dear lovely beautiful sad mother, may she rest in peace. She loved me more than life but still even she lied. It hurts so badly to know that your entire family has lied to you all your life. You know most of them thought I left Imladris because of that. Because I couldn't deal with my heritage. It is part of it but not all, definitely not all of it.

And then it happened the happiest and saddest day of my entire life. I met Arwen, the Evenstar of her people, and in the same day I was told about my fate. And then everything clicked into its place.

I saw everything clearly for the first time. It was like a veil was taken from my eyes. Ahh now you think that I was burdened to discover that I am the heir of Isildur. The answer would be yes and no in the same time. Yes it hurts to know the same blood flows in my veins with this man who betrayed the world with his weakness. Isildur. But still I can not forget that I am the heir to Elendil Isildurs father too in the same time. And Elendil was a great man.

And then I finally found out my fathers name Arathorn the second. A good man Elladan and Elrohir themselves had told it to me many times. It was a great relief to know my father was not a rapist or a killer but a good man. Then again about Isildur tough he betrayed the last alliance with his weakness I can not forget he was grieving in the same time. He had just lost his father and he was an easy prey to the ring.

Excuses, excuses you say? Okay lets leave it at that. I am not here to speak about Isildur. I am here to speak about why I left Rivendell the last Homely House in Arda.

I left because this house is not homely to me anymore, like I said it before. And I finally understood it. Why, you ask again? I think it should be clear to you now but alright I will continue.

Imagine my twenty first birthday. I am finally an adult by human standards. The day started beautifully. I was finally grown-up and I could go to my first orc-hunt with my broth... with Elladan and Elrohir. Not in the same day of course but soon after that. A great feast was planned to celebrate this day. Guests from everywhere came: Mirkwood, Lothlorien and other elven settlements. I met in that fateful day Legolas, Haldir and my beautiful lovely Arwen.

I still remember the first time I got a glimpse of Arwen. I was walking in one of the gardens and singing about Tinuvel. I actually thought Arwen was Tinuvel. I thought she was my imagination. I fell in love with her in the same moment when I saw her. She is perfect and such a caring soul.

The meeting itself did not go very well so I will not talk about it more. I only embarrassed myself in front of her. But our second meeting in Lothlorien is another matter. There she fell in love with me too and we pledged our hearts to each other. But it does not matter now. Back to the point. Why I left?

My mother had to take only one look to me and she understood that I was in love. She gave me her blessings and some good advice on the matter. Oh how I miss her. But Elrond had another reaction entirely. He was against our love. Why couldn't he see Arwen is my heart, my soul, my life? It was because I was only human. He only saw his own pain of loosing Arwen to the gift of men. Death. I knew that If I would have been an elf he would have danced from joy about our love.

Oh how it hurt to know I was to him just a second rate child. A duty, a tool to use. I know he loves me, I really do know it. But also I know I am not so important to him as are Arwen, Elrohir or Elladan. I am not his own blood.

Actually I am. Elros his own brother is one of my forefathers but this was not important. I am just a human after all

I did not see his love anymore. The love of a father for me. But I saw fear and dislike. A complete stranger was looking into me. And it hurt more than anything had hurt me before. I was a threat to him. I could not stand it. My own father looked to me like I was the enemy, a minion of Sauron. I had to get away.

And then I saw it clearly he did not love me completely and utterly like he had told me for years. He was fond of me but he did not love me like a family. I was an intruder who tried to steal his child away. I was only human. I was duty after whom they had to look like hawks. Because I was the last of my line the heir to throne of Gondor.

Elladan and Elrohir had similar reactions. This was a blow I could not stand. It felt so suffocating there. And again I saw the guilt in their eyes. I finally asked about it. And then they told me this terrible truth. Oh the burning pain to know that even they did not love me but stayed with me out of guilt.

Do not get me wrong they are overly fond of me but even they did not love me strongly enough. It just happened that they were there when my real father died. An orc-hunt. A stray arrow directly into my fathers eye, killed Arathorn. Orcs killed him, I do not blame my broth... Elladan and Elrohir. The twins thought that the battle was over but one orc had survived and murdered my father before he himself was killed.

And then it hit me, they felt guilty over my fathers death. They did not love me as their brother. They just looked after a child of their lost friend. Oh they did not say it out loud but I could see it in their eyes. I wanted to cry but i didn't. So I just left. I left soon after my mother died. She after all did not have reasons to live anymore. She had raised me, I now knew about my past, she was tired of her life. She wanted to see her husband in her afterlife and so she passed away.

So here I am now, with you , in a forest. Talking about my childhood and the lies and betrayals surrounding it. I had to leave I could not stay there anymore. I was raised only to be a king. The Hope of Humans. Ha-ha this is such a good joke. I can not see any hope at all. So how can I give it to others?

Can you see now? Rivendell is not my home and never was. It all was a lie. I do not belong there with elves. And do you know what is the funniest? No? Let me tell you. I don´t belong here either. I was raised by elves like an elf after all. So I have not a foggiest idea how humans act. I am homeless an exile. And that is it. So tell me what should I do now my friend? What should I do? How completely pathetic I am. Again crying. I am just so tired from all of it so very very tired.

The End


End file.
